What to Say (and What Not to Say) When Someone Is Struggling

One of the most common fears people express when someone they care about is struggling with depression is: "I don't know what to say."

That fear is real.

And it's rooted in something important: the desire not to make things worse.

But here's what research and lived experience both show:

Saying nothing is often worse than saying something imperfect.

Why We Avoid the Conversation

Mental health stigma doesn't just affect the person experiencing depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder.

It affects the people around them too.

Studies show that stigma creates silence—both from the person struggling and from the people who care about them. ^[1]

People avoid reaching out because they worry they'll:

• Say the wrong thing
• Make the person feel worse
• Overstep boundaries
• Not know how to "fix" the problem

But here's the truth:

You don't need to fix anything. You just need to show up.

What People with Depression Actually Need to Hear

When someone is struggling with depression, what they need most isn't advice.

It's validation.

Research on therapeutic communication shows that people in crisis benefit most from messages that:

• Acknowledge their pain without minimizing it
• Reassure them they aren't a burden
• Offer presence without pressure to "get better"
• Avoid blame or shame

In other words: people need to feel seen, not fixed. ^[2]

Words That Help

Here are phrases that communicate care without minimizing what someone is going through:

"I'm here."

"You're not alone in this."

"I believe you."

"This isn't your fault."

"You don't have to explain."

"I'm not going anywhere."

These phrases work because they offer reassurance without demanding anything in return.

What NOT to Say

Well-meaning people often say things that unintentionally increase shame or isolation.

Here are common phrases to avoid—and why they don't help:

"Just think positive"

Depression isn't a mindset problem. It's a medical condition with biological, genetic, and environmental factors. Suggesting someone can "think their way out" increases shame.

"Others have it worse"

Pain isn't a competition. This phrase invalidates what someone is experiencing and suggests their suffering doesn't matter.

"Have you tried exercise/meditation/vitamins?"

While lifestyle factors can support mental health, unsolicited advice implies the person isn't trying hard enough. If they're in crisis, they need support—not a to-do list.

"You don't seem depressed"

Depression doesn't always look the way people expect. Many people mask their symptoms in public. This phrase dismisses their experience.

"Let me know if you need anything"

While this sounds supportive, it puts the burden on the person struggling to ask for help—which depression makes nearly impossible. Instead, offer something specific: "I'm bringing dinner Thursday" or "Can I sit with you this weekend?"

Purple Owl Refuses to Say vs. Purple Owl Will Always Say

At Purple Owl Cards, we believe language matters.

That's why our cards are grounded in research, lived experience, and real conversations about mental health, grief, and recovery.

We refuse to say:

• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "Stay positive"
• "You're so strong"
• "Time heals all wounds"

We will always say:

• "I'm here"
• "You're not alone"
• "This isn't your fault"
• "I believe you"

When to Reach Out for Professional Help

Sometimes support from friends and family isn't enough—and that's okay.

If someone you care about is experiencing:

• Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
• Inability to function in daily life
• Severe mood changes or psychosis
• Substance use as a coping mechanism

Encourage them to reach out to a mental health professional or crisis line.

In the U.S., the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by calling or texting 988. ^[3]

The Power of Showing Up

You don't need perfect words.

You don't need to fix anything.

You just need to show up.

Send a text.
Drop off a meal.
Sit in silence together.

Sometimes presence is the most powerful thing you can offer.

Purple Owl Cards
Cards that say what greeting cards don't.

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Sometimes presence matters more than perfect words. We help you find the right words—backed by research and real people—for mental health, grief, recovery, and human struggle.

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Sources

1. Corrigan, P. W., & Watson, A. C. (2002). Understanding the impact of stigma on people with mental illness. World Psychiatry, 1(1), 16–20. Read article
2. National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Depression. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression
3. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. https://988lifeline.org/

Additional Resources

• NIMH — Depression Publication
• CDC — Mental Health Resources
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Help Someone Else